Nonentity

It is very long night for me! I have been sitting and waiting for my mom for 240minutes and hours, who should come at 6 o'clock in the morning! Although time was only 1 a.m I couldn't sleep, however I turned lights off. It is very dark in the room as dark as my life memories. I'm thinking about my terrible, dull and grievous life!


In a 2-room flat I lived with my mother and father. I think that it would be more right if I say that I lived alone for a year. My mother all day long was at work. When she came she was so tired and would ask me whether we had we eaten or not. And what's more, she would go to the father's bed, cry near it and fall asleep. What about your father? May be you'll ask me. I can say that he just existed after the air crush which was a year before. He was a pilot of military helicopter. In this accident he damaged his spine and therefore he can't do anything, because he was paralyzed. First time, he told us that he couldn't live like that. He often pleased me to help him to go to another world. My Mom knew that and that's why she said not to listen to such kind of stories. Some times later when doctors had to amputate his legs he died, in the wrong meaning. Looking at his legs and not finding the reason that made him cry and scream. With a disappointed voice that could break your soul he nagged doctors to kill him. He outlived such experiences and tragedies that he locked himself inside and stopped talking with anybody. It was shock for him when he couldn't see and feel his legs. Doctors said that it was a psychological reaction of subconsciousness being reality. They couldn't do anything. My father could only blink action that he did very seldom even. I had only one job and that was to take care of him after my school. We didn't have enough money and therefore a nurse sat till I came back from school. Money that Mom earned, she had to spend on father's treatment. That time he was helpless and laid in the bed as a dead person. Sometimes I thought that it would be better for him to die instead of living. And every time when I thought about it, I began to remember his words; "I can't live! Please help me to go to another world! Please my dear son! Do it for your mother! She is tired when I look at her! Please help me realize my last desire!" I tried to help my mom as hard as I could.

One time I went to the car wash and washed there cars or took bottles in bars and cafes and handed them in to special places instead of attending my school. Sometimes my friend, Daniel went with me. One day when we were washing a car, Daniel's father caught us unexpectedly. Of course we recently went to the headmaster's room and he called my mother. This situation made my mother cry as I was really fallen and disappointed. My mom was so in grieve that she just said with a sad voice: "Please forgive my dear Miki that your life is so sad and gloomy!... Never do like this and don't miss you classes, please. OK?''. After her words I felt a great shame that I had never felt before. The drops of tears streamed down from my eyes and I pleased her forgive me. That day was last day of my work.

Each day mom became more and more weaker and thinner. Two days after that accident in school she started loosing her consciousness. I pleased her to stay at home but she didn't listen to me. Then her heart began disturbing her. Doctors said that if she hadn't a treatment she may have more heart attacks. She stayed in hospital only for 2 days and said that if she stayed more she would not be able buy any medicines for father. After that day she began working and working. I looked after father that time and every time than I entered the room and looked his fool of argyles eyes I had just remembered his words: "Help me and your mom…" I always remembered our happy times before air crush! And I know that these days will never come.

Mother's last syncope was very serious and it began moving to the trembles. But she didn't stop her work! That day was really long! May be the longer than my life. I came from school and shifted MS. Rose our nurse. She told me that she had heard that my Mom had a syncope today. She pointed out that if she hadn't stopped her work, it would have bad consequences. I was doing my homework but my intentions were concentrated on my Mom. I didn't want to lose her. I was angry about my life, my world and God. A lot of times I pleased to help my Mom, but nothing had changed. It was dark already. May be it was 11 o'clock. Mother was supposed to come at 6 o'clock in the morning. I entered the fathers' room. Then I looked at his sad, idle eyes and began remembering his words. They didn't leave my mind, and they were bound to it. Deep inside I really wanted it. I couldn't look more at his and mom torments. I thought that if I did that, everything would be better for each of us. I had taken a pillow and +. I put it on his face +stifled him+ I had to kill my father+ I killed the part of my soul. I was upset of my mother as I didn't want to lose my last beloved person in this world. I love her but I love my father too. I calmed my self with that which was his wish and I saved my mother. I turned off lights and went to the kitchen as if I was a zombie. I felt myself as a most paltry man in the world.

I'm nonentity and there is no name for me. Now I'm still sitting in the kitchen on the floor and the time is still 3 o'clock. I'm still thinking about my terrible, dull and grievous life and severe deal. I'm waiting for my mom and each second seems like a century. They said that we should sacrifice something if we want to have something. But I didn't know that it would be such a great loss to have. Such great +. A life+. Life of my father+ I don't know wether my mom will forgive me or not+. I trust that the God and my father will forgive me+.!!!

Do you agree this statement: "We sometimes have to sacrifice something in order to obtain something in our lives!"

What would you do if you were this boy?

By Madina